Are you pregnant, going through a time of high stress, or a busy season? Often we get in survival mode and find it hard to get out. Or even more urgently, find it hard to take care of the kids in the day to day.
Imagine a cart of neatly stacked apples.
The cart gets tipped sideways and the apples start spilling out onto the floor.
Now imagine the cart is still tipped sideways, yet you are trying to pick up the fallen apples and stack them back in the cart.
Some apples stay, then one falls and takes a few down with it.
Bend over. Pick up. Stack again. And on and on.
This is survival mode.
Previously you had energy for other things. Now, all your energy goes to trying to get those renegade apples back on the lopsided cart without another avalanche. It is exhausting, one step forward three steps back, and leaves little time to do the other things in life for which you previously had both the energy and the capacity.
Survival mode can be physical, emotional, mental and practical. It is when you are doing just enough to keep life going and, in order to stay afloat, you have to let many other important areas of life slip by the wayside just to have the energy to stay above water.
Survival mode is dangerous in many ways and, while it can’t be avoided sometimes, we should attempt to get out of it as quick as we can. How can we go forward from here?
Am I in survival mode?
Let’s dig deeper.
1. Step back and observe
Ask yourself the following questions. When did this feeling start? Was it a rapid decline or a gradual slope? What could have triggered survival mode? Is the whole family in survival mode or just me? Is this a season that is likely to pass soon? (like pregnancy)
Do I feel on the verge of a “nervous breakdown” at times? Sometimes all it takes is us asking ourselves a few honest questions, and then giving ourselves honest answers, and we can determine why it is we’re feeling how we’re feeling.
2. Find practical and feasible solutions
Some of life’s most stressful events (note stressful doesn’t always mean unwanted or bad) include:
- marriage
- moving house
- divorce
- becoming a parent
- moving overseas
- being pregnant
- loss of a loved one
If you’ve experienced one of these recently, particularly if you’ve experienced a few together… it is no wonder you are in survival mode. At one point, looking back over the past 3 years I’d gotten married, moved houses a few times, moved overseas, had a baby, and was pregnant again…
I was lucky I had my hair.
3. Tip the cart back
To think about the concept of survival mode a bit deeper… think about a tree’s root system.
If your tree is planted in bad soil then the fruit will be no good. You can pick all the rotten fruit off the tree you want, but it still won’t produce good fruit because the soil is bad. To get good fruit, the roots need to be accessing good soil. Dealing with only the symptoms of your problems will just mean you’re running around like a manic gardener pulling bad fruit off the tree, but never actually dealing with bottom line: the roots need to be in good soil to thrive.
What this means practically is finding ways to cope in the “now” as you work to meet the deeper needs that are keeping you in survival mode. (More on practical strategies below).
In a few short years I’d given up many of the ways I used to cope and relax. And, stupidly, I hadn’t replaced them with anything else. Instead of just stacking the apples back on the tipped cart, I new it was time to figure out how – in this time and in this season – to tip the cart back upright so I can stack them once and for all and get out of survival mode.
4. Find time for yourself
Part of getting out of survival mode means having time to yourself. So many things go by the wayside when you’re focusing on keeping your kids, your house, your relationships or your career afloat. When you’re so busy trying to do one thing you often let other things go, even things high up on your priority list.
If you are in financial trouble and are battling to just pay the mortgage so the house doesn’t get foreclosed, you’ll become stressed and relationships and friendships may suffer. All your emotional and mental energy will go into fixing this problem and the stress will start to consume you. Taking time away while we’re trying to sort things out is vital.
What matters is that you prioritize and make happen some time to be alone and get cracking on a plan to tip back the cart and re-stack the apples.
Practical Coping Strategies for Survival Mode
Pregnancy
- Whatever it costs you, get as much rest as possible. Lack of sleep increases stress exponentially.
- Take my free pregnancy email series which gives you ways to rest even if you technically can’t.
- Adjust your expectations. Pregnancy is a season of life that will not last forever so banish the mommy guilt and just do what you must to get by.
- Lock yourself and the kids in a safe room. Yes, I said that. Take the kids into a room with toys and lay down while they play. This means you aren’t chasing anyone around the house and you can rest your weary body.
- Ask, trade, or beg for help. Even a few hours to lay down and nap during the day will make a big difference. Ask older ladies in your church for help, you’ll be surprised how willing they are to lend a hand.
General Mom Weariness
- Learn to take better care of yourself. This isn’t selfish, it’s sane. I’ve created a whole self-care guide to help moms get back on track that you can check out here.
- Slow down your life. This may mean cancelling kids’ activities or finding someone else to chauffeur. Take yourself out of commitments, responsibilities outside the home, and false standards you’ve put on yourself to “be involved” in everything. Limit activities per week vigilantly and just stay at home.
- Do my freeweary mom devotional which will help lighten your load and allow you some breathing space to figure a few things out.
- Take a 48 hour mommy vacay if at all possible. And no, it doesn’t have to cost a lot.
- Read <Say Goodbye to Survival Mode and put it into effect in your life. You won’t be sorry.
Relationship Stresses and Struggles
- Find a few trusted confidantes that are trustworthy and godly and share your heart with them.
- Get counseling for hurts you’re hanging onto that it’s time to shed. There will be a wide range of options from people in your church to professionals, but getting an outside perspective can help you move forward.
- Read <Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life and be amazed at what a difference it makes with friendships, family, and your marriage.
- Do my Overcoming Overwhelm Guide which will help you focus on a few key areas that are bringing you down so you can go forward in freedom.
Homemaking Issues
- Take my freeHome & Life Systems email course to help you get a better handle on some key areas that are causing the most stress.
- Toss, organize, and downsize ruthlessly if clutter and mess is your problem. Or consider reading the wildly popular <The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up if you’re brave.
- Do a House Walk and let some easy quick wins help you to feel a bit more in control and on top of home issues.
- Lower your expectations and develop realistic ones about what your home will look like during this season.
- Hire out if possible. Get a mother’s helper, nanny, cleaner, or laundry helper. Know that this money will be well spent and you won’t have to do it forever.
Some situations can seem impossible to get out of, and perhaps for the moment they may be. However, with thinking and support there are things that can be done in your every day life to help you cope and throw off some stress so you can move in the direction of thriving again.
Sometimes simply surviving the day is the end goal, and that’s okay.
But if that day turns into a week turns into a month turns into a year then your mental and emotional health will seriously suffer. Don’t be afraid to talk to those who love and support you and to ask their advice and help during this time.
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